Selpla was born the youngest of four children to the architect Erminian and his beautiful wife Ionella, an heiress and gifted artist who worked in both smearpaints and sculpture. Shortly after Selpla’s fourth birthday Ionella succumbed to poisoning from an improperly prepared batch of toxic pigment. Selpla mourned the loss of her mother, of course, but being at so tender an age she healed more quickly and completely from this wound than did her brothers Ikren, Fatuhl, and Basik.
Ikren, the eldest, was fully eight years Selpla’s senior. By the time Ionella passed he had been away at boarding school for so long that Selpla’s memories of him were somewhat nebulous. While she was quite fond of the youngest brother, Basik, only a year and a half older than Selpla, her closest family relationship growing up was with Fatuhl, the middle brother, whom she nicknamed ‘Grelm.’ They formed a tight bond and shared both interests and overall philosophy. When Fatuhl left for universitas Selpla felt lost and, for the first time in her life, unsure of herself. She never fully regained that self-confidence until she met Tol years later.
As a child Selpla was gregarious and happy, at least for the most part. She lived a privileged life in upper-class Tropsalla, a district of stately mansions, upscale shops, and breathtaking vistas situated on the northwest side of Goblinopolis, overlooking the lush landscape of Mernal River Park. It is tradition amongst goblins that when female children reach their thirteenth year and sexual maturity (although most don’t actually reproduce until considerably later), a party of as lavish proportions as the family can afford is held in celebration. In Selpla’s case that was quite lavish indeed.
The house in which Selpla’s family resided boasted a large courtyard surrounded on three sides by marble porticoes. In the center sat an elegant pool with twin streams draining into it, lined with stone and surrounded by well-manicured trees, giving the appearance of a charming mere in some enchanted forest glade. While goblins as a race are rather pragmatic where matters of spirituality are concerned, they do have a sense of whimsy that manifests at times such as these. Rather than fairies and unicorns, the most prevalent creatures in the childhood myths of the goblins are a race of tree spirits known by a variety of names, most commonly ‘Vanari.’ Since the common ancestors of all N’plorkian sentients sprang from the deep primeval woods of Tantatku, much mysticism and spirituality is associated with ancient forest biomes. Selpla was enamored of the Vanari legends as a child; the theme chosen for her party was thus ‘The Kingdom of Vanari,’ based on a popular children’s book that Selpla had read countless times.
The decorations were elaborate and expensive. A small army of decorators spent the better part of two days stringing them up in the courtyard, but designers had been working for weeks beforehand. There were thousands of twinkling lights, fountains of color spraying in all directions, mystical creatures flitting to and fro or running along limbs and boughs, and all manner of other marvels to be seen. One might spend a full day simply exploring the courtyard and taking in the wonder of it all.
The planned highlight of the evening was to be the conjuration by a Magus Academicus from Loca Arts Institute of a ‘real’ Vanari prince. In addition to a set payment, Erminian also agreed to donate funds toward upgrading the magical arts practice facility at the Institute in return for the services of such a high-level mage. The conjured figure was based on an illustration from another of Selpla’s books called “Secrets of the Dark Woods,” which despite the somewhat spooky-sounding title was quite benign and cheery.
The conjuration was intended as the climax of the day, scheduled for early evening after the party had been in progress for several hours. Erminian had hired a professional event planner to orchestrate the various entertainment components, which included musicians, jugglers, storytellers, and actors playing the roles of characters for which Selpla had shown a fondness at some point. He had dragged Selpla all over the globe while he struggled to raise four children as a widower with a demanding career; he therefore felt he owed her the best coming-out party he could manage.
When the big moment arrived, the magus was sequestered in a hidden alcove alongside the highest of the rock waterfalls. He was to conjure the image of the Vanari prince so that it appeared to emerge from the falls and walk out over the pool to address Selpla, carefully positioned in a ‘throne’ near the edge directly opposite for maximum effect. The conjuration went off flawlessly and the apparition moved into position. Selpla watched it with wide eyes, gripping the arms of her chair. The ‘prince’ was supposed to give a short speech, calling Selpla by name, supplied by a hidden high-fidelity transmitter with a filter to make the voice sound mystical and exotically majestic.
Carefully-laid plans notwithstanding, one of Selpla’s friends, something of an audio geek, had discovered the voice equipment earlier in the day and thought it might be fun to put his own programming into it. The magus had the script in his hiding place and was supposed to read it while synching the apparition’s lips to the words. Camouflaged speakers mounted on the rocks would convey the voice. This is what the figure was supposed to say:
“I am Prince Ulliam of House Strombos. I have been watching you from the spirit realm for a long time, goblin Selpla, and for your great courage, indomitable spirit, and breathtaking beauty I hereby name you Glademistress of Strombos.”
What came out, however, was this:
“I am Prince Ulliam of House Strombos. I have been watching you poop from the poop realm for a long time, goblin Selpla, and for your great poops, indomitable pooping, and breathtaking poopery I hereby name you Poopmistress of Strombos.”
There was dead quiet, during which the magus was undoubtedly reviewing the incantation for an emergency translocate spell. Erminian was appalled and then furious; everyone else just seemed stunned. No one spoke for a long moment but then the anxious silence was broken by Selpla bursting into gales of laughter. She laughed until she was in danger of choking.
It was her best party ever.